Funny how perspectives change.

As a kid, I thought my dad didn’t know much. But when I graduated college, I saw that I was wrong. And when I became a dad myself, I realized how great my dad was. He didn’t change; I did. My comprehension caught up with my confidence. Ah, the fallacies of childhood.

So too, there are fallacies of fatherhood. We may be absolutely certain of what dads should do, yet be absolutely wrong. Our comprehension needs to catch up with our confidence. Too often, dads treat parenting like driving directions – refusing to ask for help or admit they need it. Many dads don’t learn the fallacies of fatherhood, so they don’t experience the joys of fatherhood.

As Father’s Day nears, here are four more fallacies that can derail your kids’ character. You’ll soon find all ten fallacies of fatherhood at www.timalba.com.

 

10 Fallacies of Fatherhood:  #4 – 7

Fallacy #4:  Kids don’t know your secrets

Your integrity is like a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece is part of a bigger picture of your character that kids see, even if you don’t. They may not know every little secret you’re hiding, but they know you. Secrets mold your kids’ character, but not how you want. And while kids won’t buy a story of deceit that you’re selling, thankfully, they’ll likely buy a story of integrity worth selling.

Reality #4:  Kids already know your character

Integrity is also like an impressionist painting. Up close, each dot of integrity looks random, but stepping back, kids can see how those dots together tell your story. You’re too close to see it, but they can. They’re students of you, even if you aren’t a student of them. But kids can also spot true integrity, even if they don’t yet admit it. And when they’re older, they’ll likely emulate your character, as we’ll see in the next fallacy/reality.

Question: When your kids see, do they see secrets OR true integrity?

 

Fallacy #5:  Friends influence kids more than you do

Friends have incredible influence. But instead of trying to pick our kids’ friends, Anna and I helped them know how to pick good friends and why it mattered. Kids’ friends will either reinforce or repel your influence, but no one – repeat no one – has more influence in your kids’ lives than you. Never let society tell you otherwise. Granted, kids often act like they don’t care, but when the chips are down, they look to you as their compass that always points north.

Reality #5: Kids are like you on steroids

I thought my sarcastic quips were hilarious until I heard my kids mimic them. I learned that, for good or bad, kids take our habits and attitudes to an extreme. If you ever wonder why your kids act the way they do, start by looking at you. Your injections of integrity will bulk up their character. So too, your compromises and lies will balloon into a legacy of disappointment. Don’t allow your kids’ friends’ influence to usurp yours due to your passivity. Lead your kids to choose well.

Question: Do you let friends shape your kids OR are you bulking up your kids’ character?

 

Fallacy #6:  You deserve respect

Many dads talk down to kids, yet wonder why kids are disrespectful. Please don’t make kids navigate the choppy waters of youth while reconciling hypocrisy. Might their disrespect be birthed in yours? Yes, the Bible tells kids to obey and respect parents, but how do you respond to a boss or spouse who tells you what to do instead of leading you to do it? Help kids want to respect you. Don’t demand it. Inspire them. Guide and position them. And respect them, no matter how they respond.

Reality #6:  Kids reflect what they expect at home

A mirror doesn’t lie. It just reflects. You may not see what it shows, but it’s there for anyone to see. So too, your kids’ hearts reflect what they see at home. A home culture of respect is created with daily deposits that draw kids’ interest, not from making “demand deposits” that can be withdrawn at any time. Granted, there’s a time for a come-to-Jesus meeting, but there’s a reason I didn’t rebel much against my dad – he built his home on mutual respect.

Question: Do you demand respect OR do your kids reflect a culture of mutual respect?

 

Fallacy #7:  Never let ‘em see you sweat

Chances are, you already have a good idea of what dads should be like. Whether it’s what you’ve seen or what you prefer, you’re certain. I was certain that dads should be strong and stoic because that’s how my dad did it. Basically, I learned to “never let ‘em see you sweat.” The problem is that my kids don’t respond well to stoic. As I learned too late, my kids needed a strong dad, but they also needed vulnerability in order to open their hearts.

Reality #7:  Let ‘em know the real you, warts & all

Turns out, kids want to know your failures even more than your successes. They know you, but they also want to know how you got there – your mistakes and how you overcame them. Molding your kids’ character starts with letting them know your character. I became vulnerable because I love my kids more than I love my privacy. For when you share your warts and all, kids gain confidence that they can overcome their own.

Question: Are you guarded OR do your kids really know you, warts and all?

 

My next blog shares the last 3 fallacies of fatherhood: Keep work & home separate; Peer pressure ends in school; and Bonding is Mom’s job. Happy Father’s Day – an extra special day to be the dad your needs need you to be.

These principles comes from my upcoming book (release date: August 17th), which will soon be available at both www.WellDoneMomAndDad.com and at www.timalba.com.