“Alexa, make my child behave.” If only it was that easy. As a young parent, I struggled to lead my kids. Then I realized that my kids weren’t the problem. The problem was raising them without scarring them for life. A friend said her only goal as a mom was to minimize her kids’ counseling when they become adults.
Since kids don’t come with manuals, we hope they aren’t paying attention to our missteps, especially to two pitfalls. Sadly, the story of my son’s potty training illustrates these two pitfalls.
Two common parenting pitfalls
Although his older sister potty trained easily, Josh was another story. I’m not proud of it, but two years earlier, after unsuccessfully explaining the logic of potty training to his sister, I yelled at her. And, because she’s like me – stubborn – she bowed up with an “I’m gonna show HIM!” attitude. And it worked. She never had another potty accident.
Because it worked with his sister, I used the same method with Josh. Just once, mind you, and it worked, right? Nope. Turns out, Josh was different. We tried everything to get Josh out of pull-ups. Anna even offered Josh any toy in Target if he’d potty train. His reply, “No, I’m good.”
Finally, after yet another pull-up disaster, Anna took Josh out back, stripped him down, and hosed him off. And what was Josh’s response to water cascading across his little hiney? He pointed his rear at Anna and proudly proclaimed, “You missed a spot!”
No, not our best moments. Yelling and hosing are not sanctioned by Focus on the Family. But every parent reaches “that” point about something. In the years since, I’m learning how I failed in two pitfalls common to parents: 1) Doing what is natural and 2) Treating each child the same. Both pitfalls feel good, but neither puts kids on the path to faithfulness. Both are parenting like checkers, not chess. Here are four ways you can be the parent you want to be and the parent your kids need you to be – through chess, not checkers.
Four ways to parent like chess, not checkers
- Don’t get trapped. Think a few moves ahead.
Chess parenting is not simple, easy, or quick. It’s hard, but it helps you win what really matters – the long game, not just one move at a time. You’re preparing your 3-year-old for when she’s 33 years old, not just when she’s 13. Because you’re thinking a few moves ahead, you can be free of feeling like every move will get you trapped.
- Kids are not the same. They have their own purposes & functions.
Kids are not like interchangeable checkers pieces. Some may look and act alike, but raising kids the same is like demanding that my flawed potty training technique must work with Josh too. It’s my job to learn his “moves” in order to help him fulfill his unique purpose.
- You set the table, but only they can play to win.
Parents prepare kids for their own game of life, but only kids can play it. We need to show them how to play it well and tell what we’re doing. Show-and-tell, though, isn’t enough. Parents also set the table for kids to want to win for eternity. Whether we’re helping them relate to others, handle change, enjoy the journey, act in faith, or finish strong, we’re setting our kids’ table to win what truly matters.
- The key is positioning, not “king me.”
Many parents want the equivalent of “King me!” The goal in checkers is for each piece to get a double “king” portion of dominance. Instead of getting kids to king you, position them to be receptive, learn how to position themselves, and believe God is King (not them or you). Then when you make unpopular or unexpected moves, they’ll trust your heart even if they don’t understand your tactics.
Like chess, great parenting is hard. But God gives us no greater challenge and no greater privilege than helping our kids’ prepare and position their own kids to believe: they won’t get trapped, they have unique purposes, they can win, and God is King.
Then again, maybe it’s good that Alexa can’t help. Otherwise, what will our kids tell their counselor when they become adults?
Questions: How well are you preparing your kids for the long game? How could you better set the table so that they can win for eternity? Are you leading your kids to “king” God, not themselves?
For more free ideas on parenting for eternity (not just today) check out timalba.com, along with my upcoming book, Well Done, Mom & Dad!
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