Falsely accused. Ever been there? Unable to fight back because you’ll look defensive, you’re left to sink or slink away. The pain can be devastating. That was me in December 1989. But I learned a lesson that changed my life (and maybe can change yours too).
That lesson: Kill ‘em with kindness.
My company sent me to Buffalo, New York in December. That should have been my first clue of things to come. I was given the unenviable task of doing a “quick review” of a major program that was losing money. No plan, just a vague review. Second clue.
After three days in Buffalo, I didn’t know why, but something didn’t smell right. The next Monday, I got called into the office of my boss’s boss’s boss in Dallas and asked, “Is everything OK? Is your marriage in trouble? What’s wrong?” Stunned, I asked for an explanation. All they said was that the Buffalo executives had described me as “godlike, arrogant, and rude.” Wow!
Instead of being fired, I was allowed to return to Buffalo to dig deeper. Over the next few weeks, I found massive unreported cost and performance problems. The bosses of the Buffalo team now knew they’d been lied to . . . about the Buffalo division and about me.
Ah, the moment of truth. A month after nearly being fired, I sat in a meeting with muckety-mucks from across the country to discuss my findings. And I had a choice: Do I reciprocate and slam my accusers? Or do I follow the advice of my dear friend, Dr. Nathan Jones – to kill ‘em with kindness? I had to choose between sweet revenge and sweet irony.
Sweet irony, not sweet revenge
Despite my nature, I chose right and felt the inexplicable joy of sweet irony . . . of giving grace to my accusers. Instead of grinding them into dust (like I wanted), I thanked them and then factually unpacked the reality of their operations. The Dallas CFO who, a month earlier had believed his team’s accusations and tried to get me fired, created a job for me with a huge promotion.
Unfortunately, sweet irony doesn’t always turn out so well. But how often do we miss the joy of giving undeserved grace? God modeled the epitome of undeserved grace by sacrificing His Son for our salvation. Now His nature can be ours. He didn’t wait for us to deserve His grace; He died for us while we were yet sinners (Romans 6:23). And while dying, He sought grace for His accusers, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
Because Jesus has already “killed us with kindness,” so can we. Here are 4 steps to help . . . steps that can change your life too.
4 steps to kill ‘em with kindness
- Remember your nature.
Before jumping at the chance to avenge, remember who you were without Christ and, sadly, who you sometimes are with Him. As Jesus said to accusers of the alleged adulteress in John 8:7: “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Don’t blame lost people for acting lost. Love them. Lead them. Show them the sweet irony of Christ’s grace.
- Release your anger.
Choose to be free. Don’t be a victim. Don’t let someone else’s actions or attitudes determine yours. Be openhanded with anger. Let it go. Don’t clutch it like a prized possession. Release it. Let anger flow through your fingers like water, cleansing you from its ugly stains.
- Replace loathing with loving.
There’s no room in your heart for both loathing and loving. Pick one, the right one. Love conquers all. It’s patient and kind. It doesn’t envy or boast. It’s not arrogant, rude, irritable, or resentful (1 Cor. 13:4-6) You can’t hate someone and humbly pray for them because love can’t coexist with hate. “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses (Proverbs 10:12).
- Run to reconciliation.
Like the father of the prodigal son, run to reconciliation (Luke 15:20). Don’t wait for others to ask for forgiveness. Be proactive. Be like our Savior. “So far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people” (Romans 12:18). No, you can’t force others to reconcile, but you can run to the possibility. You can take the first step. You can forgive 70 x 7 times without keeping score (Matthew 18:22). For just as God runs to reconcile with us, let’s run to others.
No, killing ‘em with kindness isn’t natural. But God didn’t save us to be natural. God saved us to experience the sweet irony of His unmerited grace and free us from the chains of wanting sweet revenge against others.
Then again, Matthew 7:1-2 was, is, and always will be true: “Judge not, so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged.” Even in Buffalo in December.
Questions: Have you ever been falsely accused? If so, will you release it and run to reconciliation? And is there anyone hoping that you’ll do that for them?
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