With my best British accent, I asked my wife: “If I were to call you, ‘My laaady,’ would you call me, ‘My looord’?” Without hesitation, Anna replied, “Aaahh, NO!”
Although never dubbed “my lord,” I’ve been blessed with something far greater. It’s politically unpopular, yet biblically brilliant . . . something my wife gives our kids and my mom gave me . . . the best gift any mom can give her kids – respecting her husband.
Granted, every child desperately needs a mother’s love. Anna’s love is priceless and irreplaceable. Anna’s respect, though, shaped our family in ways nothing else can. For example, it encouraged me to love and lead, it prepared our kids to have a reverence for God, and it forged our kids’ view of what “healthy” families should look like.
God’s recipe for healthy families is dads who love and moms who respect: “Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph. 5:33). Everyone wants both, so why this recipe? Because women tend to give what they need (love), not what men need (respect). Vice versa for men. But that doesn’t have to be your family.
Even if you’ve never seen this respect modeled, it can be your family’s legacy too. Here are three ways to help mom give this gift to her kids, along with three ways dad can receive it.
3 ways mom can give respect to her husband
- Embrace the need
Whether dad deserves respect or not isn’t the question. The question is if mom embraces the fact that he needs it. Unfortunately, many wives treat respect like sex – a reward for good behavior. Early on, Anna attended a women’s conference that said husbands leave wives for women who will embrace his need for respect. Is this fair? Excusable? No way! We can’t control what our spouse embraces, but we can embrace a husband’s need for respect and a wife’s need for love.
- Imagine the blessing
Biblical respect, like any transformation, starts with imagining a better future. If he doesn’t love you like you imagined, start respecting him like he never imagined. Even if he doesn’t respond in kind, your respect will bless your kids with a whole new view of God and family.
- Believe it’s worth it
Sadly, too few women have seen this modeled. Thus, it’s hard to believe it’s worth it. Respecting him doesn’t guarantee he’ll give you the love you need. But not respecting him will nearly guarantee he won’t reciprocate. Thankfully, even stubborn men are often softened: “So that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence in your lives” (I Peter 3:1-2).
3 ways dad can receive respect from his wife
- Give unconditional love
Your family needs dad to be a generous giver, starting with love. Not transactions. Not exchanges. Not leftovers, like white-elephant Christmas gifts passed around. They need dad’s unconditional love. Love given unconditionally is undeniably remembered and unashamedly copied.
- Give undeserved respect
A basic rule of leadership is: if you want something, give it first. If you want respect, give it. Don’t demand it, expect it, or make others earn it in order to get yours. Freely give undeserved respect, and watch the world around you change for the better, no matter how others respond.
- Give unending relationships
It’s been said that “relationship” is the most important word in the English language. Your wife may forget a birthday present, but she’ll always cherish your unending, everyday relationship with her. Like love and respect, deep family connections cost you something and involve everything, but they’re worth anything.
Then again, Jesus is the ultimate bridegroom who gives love, respect, and relationships to His bride – the church. Jesus didn’t wait for his bride to treat Him properly. He gave first. He gave fully, joyfully, and continually so that we can see what healthy looks like in His family . . . and so that we will rightly call him, “My Lord.”
Questions: How healthy is your family? How can you encourage your family to love and lead, prepare them to revere God, and shape their view of a healthy family?
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